Everything is so sanitized, floors waxed, fresh paint everywhere, every chair lined up perfectly, you can smell the bleach all the time... it's like I'm being sterilized. They don't treat me like a prisoner, but every window is covered with fence... The fence outside goes all the way around the perimeter. Is that to keep me in or others out. It's all so strange. I've never felt so lonely in my life. This place is huge except for a handful of people. Who are they? What do they know about me... Lab coats, sneakers... It's so cold in here. They say I had a nervous breakdown. The First Sergeant called yesterday. He said they were going to give me an Honorable Discharge. I don't deserve it.
If anyone knew what I did in Kirkuk, they would see I am not honorable. I still see him every night. It keeps playing over again in my head. I know he was up to no good, but I didn't have to shoot him. He begged me to spare his life... I mean, you don't have to understand the language, when someone is begging for their life. I could have detained him till the Sergeant and others got there. I could have even let him go. I never saw a weapon. What in the world am I gonna do. How can I live with this the rest of my life.
Father, open our hearts, Lord. So many of our young people today are rushed though training, given weapons that kill and sent far away to do terrible things in the name of peace. Young men and women with their whole life ahead of them are pulled from their families and sent to a war that no one can explain to them. They see and do things they have never seen and wish they never had. Many die far away from home and many others come home broken, confused, and lonely. Guilt-ridden, estranged, and in need of both physical and spiritual assistance, many drop out of sight and into seclusion. Open our hearts today Lord. Do not allow us to ignore them and forget them. Help us to think of ways to reach out to them. Deal with our hearts now father as we consider so many of our young fellow men and woman who may be out there today alone and hurting.
I love you.
Showing posts with label Open Heart Surgery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Open Heart Surgery. Show all posts
The Longing Heart
So this is love... He knows he has looked for it all his life. As a kid, he only remembers "looking" for it. The few times that he remembers getting close, he couldn't share it at home. It would get taken away or he would pay for it. There was no such thing, there.
On his own, he would finally think he'd found it, but, it never lasted very long. He only remembers deceit. It's like he was there to pick them up and help them get restored enough to find someone else.
After so many heartbreaks, he quit loving at all. And then he met John. When he realized they had the same feelings for each other, he avoided him for weeks, but the desire for some kind of love was stronger than his feelings of guilt and fear. He didn't know how it would work, but they met again and began the relationship.
Looking back now, he still doesn't remember ever feeling fulfilled. He still felt he had been deceived. That desire to really love and be loved was never satisfied.
The guilt of having been with a man had changed the way he felt around woman and so, he never pursued one again. Only men... and he started taking chances. He got so desperate to find love that he took risks. The fear that he would feel later would scare him into being celibate for a while, but it wouldn't last.
Now, they tell him that he is dying. He already knew it... the changes in his body. He senses that it's going to be hell... on his way too hell.
He knows many would say he deserves this, and maybe they're right. But he can't remember doing anything wrong accept trying to be loved. Thirty eight years old now and never one moment spent in love.
Father, open our hearts, Lord. How many people will die like this today? Father, we know that it was never your plan for anyone to live this way. Help us to see that there is no greater need than to share "Your love" in a seemingly loveless world. And while we must also share Your Word, Father, help us to do so in love, Your Love. Give us the passion that your son displayed here before He died around the same age as this young man.
I love you.
On his own, he would finally think he'd found it, but, it never lasted very long. He only remembers deceit. It's like he was there to pick them up and help them get restored enough to find someone else.
After so many heartbreaks, he quit loving at all. And then he met John. When he realized they had the same feelings for each other, he avoided him for weeks, but the desire for some kind of love was stronger than his feelings of guilt and fear. He didn't know how it would work, but they met again and began the relationship.
Looking back now, he still doesn't remember ever feeling fulfilled. He still felt he had been deceived. That desire to really love and be loved was never satisfied.
The guilt of having been with a man had changed the way he felt around woman and so, he never pursued one again. Only men... and he started taking chances. He got so desperate to find love that he took risks. The fear that he would feel later would scare him into being celibate for a while, but it wouldn't last.
Now, they tell him that he is dying. He already knew it... the changes in his body. He senses that it's going to be hell... on his way too hell.
He knows many would say he deserves this, and maybe they're right. But he can't remember doing anything wrong accept trying to be loved. Thirty eight years old now and never one moment spent in love.
Father, open our hearts, Lord. How many people will die like this today? Father, we know that it was never your plan for anyone to live this way. Help us to see that there is no greater need than to share "Your love" in a seemingly loveless world. And while we must also share Your Word, Father, help us to do so in love, Your Love. Give us the passion that your son displayed here before He died around the same age as this young man.
I love you.
The Regretful Heart
All those years... wasted, really. Helen's gone, the kids... well, they might as well be. Surrounded by these strangers, every one of them. The people that work here, they know we know that they don't want to be here.
How did it end up this way. Even my thoughts and memories are not welcome. All those women... None of them really cared about me. Not like Helen used to. How many times I thought I might change for her, for what she had to put up with, and then it was too late. Four years now, and I hardly remember the woman I miss so much.
And my buddies... yeah... right... what a waste. Oh, if I could just go back. Even that is a wasted thought. What have I done? I did this. Eighty years... it seemed so far from me, yet here now... I'm already here.
And you... I'm still stuck with you. How can you still even be passing through my thoughts. I've ignored you longer than any of them. I thought you might have sent that couple, some time back. They just just walked in, introduced themselves, and we talked for so long. But that's been months ago. I know you've given up on me too. How did it get to this?
Father, open our hearts, Lord. Show us the futility of all of life, apart from You. Open our hearts for the lost today. Give us a yearning to reach out for those who could know you before it's too late for them. Help us to think of where someone like this might be stuck, hurting, and looking for some real meaning to all of this.
I love you.
How did it end up this way. Even my thoughts and memories are not welcome. All those women... None of them really cared about me. Not like Helen used to. How many times I thought I might change for her, for what she had to put up with, and then it was too late. Four years now, and I hardly remember the woman I miss so much.
And my buddies... yeah... right... what a waste. Oh, if I could just go back. Even that is a wasted thought. What have I done? I did this. Eighty years... it seemed so far from me, yet here now... I'm already here.
And you... I'm still stuck with you. How can you still even be passing through my thoughts. I've ignored you longer than any of them. I thought you might have sent that couple, some time back. They just just walked in, introduced themselves, and we talked for so long. But that's been months ago. I know you've given up on me too. How did it get to this?
Father, open our hearts, Lord. Show us the futility of all of life, apart from You. Open our hearts for the lost today. Give us a yearning to reach out for those who could know you before it's too late for them. Help us to think of where someone like this might be stuck, hurting, and looking for some real meaning to all of this.
I love you.
The Hidden Heart
Always moving out along the peripheral. By the time you realize someone is there, she's' already gone by. Peeping out from behind nowhere, she calculates the precise distance and every step between each shadow, corner... the safe-places along the way to where she has to get. It's how she gets anywhere, when she gets out at all.
She's heard, "Oh My God" more times than you can imagine. Freak, Demon, Monster... if she's caught in the open, she knows that's what they'll call her.
Getting trapped somewhere in the open without a stairwell, fire exit, or even a storage closet... like yesterday... that's her nightmare. That's what keeps her from leaving her apartment most of the time.
No mirrors, shinny surfaces, nothing in the apartment returns her image. Since the fire eight years ago, even she won't look at herself. Yes, the fire that she started herself. Living with the fact that she did this to herself is harder than looking at what happened to her.
And recently, there's this dream every night. Back to the fire... back to the worse night of her life. She's never remembered what happened that night after starting it... but this dream seems so real. The Fireman reaches into the flames for her, but the little girl is afraid. Then he takes off his helmet so she can see his face. Come, Lets go through the fire, together, as he picks the little girl up. Who is he and what does it mean?
Father, open our hearts, Lord. Help us to understand why you allow things like this to happen. But more importantly, use us Lord. Give us the strength to get past their appearance long enough to look them in the eyes and say, "I love you... God loves you". Forgive us Lord and fill our hearts with a Love for your people.
I Love you.
She's heard, "Oh My God" more times than you can imagine. Freak, Demon, Monster... if she's caught in the open, she knows that's what they'll call her.
Getting trapped somewhere in the open without a stairwell, fire exit, or even a storage closet... like yesterday... that's her nightmare. That's what keeps her from leaving her apartment most of the time.
No mirrors, shinny surfaces, nothing in the apartment returns her image. Since the fire eight years ago, even she won't look at herself. Yes, the fire that she started herself. Living with the fact that she did this to herself is harder than looking at what happened to her.
And recently, there's this dream every night. Back to the fire... back to the worse night of her life. She's never remembered what happened that night after starting it... but this dream seems so real. The Fireman reaches into the flames for her, but the little girl is afraid. Then he takes off his helmet so she can see his face. Come, Lets go through the fire, together, as he picks the little girl up. Who is he and what does it mean?
Father, open our hearts, Lord. Help us to understand why you allow things like this to happen. But more importantly, use us Lord. Give us the strength to get past their appearance long enough to look them in the eyes and say, "I love you... God loves you". Forgive us Lord and fill our hearts with a Love for your people.
I Love you.
The Abused Heart
How could you love someone that you don't understand. You see the trailer on your way to the dump and you just can't see how anyone could live that way. You never saw the abuse he endured when he was so little. You are clueless to the fact that he never had a chance. Would it matter if you knew that when he was 10, a young woman at a grocery store called the child abuse hotline on his mother and talked a fellow employee to follow them home, so they would have an address.
When they put him in a foster home, it didn't get any better there either... he had already started closing people out. Though very small, his world is safe now. God designed him in such a way that allowed his mind to hide all the evil that fell upon a little boy so long ago. Sure, it's left him with very strange behavior patterns, and there is so much he has missed out on, in life, but he's ok with that.
He knows we don't like him, but nobody can hurt him now. As far back as he can remember, his friend has always been there with him. He believes that they will be together one day. They will finally get to hug and maybe even play some of the games they use to play.
It's kinda confusing to him sometimes, but he believes his friend is with him somehow now, but later, it will be for real. They have something together that no one can take away, and so it's ok that we don't like him. His friend doesn't like the things we say and do, either, but he says it's ok... soon, we'll be together.
Father, open our hearts, Lord. How much longer will you allow hate to exist? How much longer will you allow blind people to live as though they see. Father, use me to shine Your Light into cold dark hearts, today. Shake us... open our eyes and open our hearts, Lord Jesus. Pour out your love on all that is unloving. Forgive us, Father.
I Love you.
When they put him in a foster home, it didn't get any better there either... he had already started closing people out. Though very small, his world is safe now. God designed him in such a way that allowed his mind to hide all the evil that fell upon a little boy so long ago. Sure, it's left him with very strange behavior patterns, and there is so much he has missed out on, in life, but he's ok with that.
He knows we don't like him, but nobody can hurt him now. As far back as he can remember, his friend has always been there with him. He believes that they will be together one day. They will finally get to hug and maybe even play some of the games they use to play.
It's kinda confusing to him sometimes, but he believes his friend is with him somehow now, but later, it will be for real. They have something together that no one can take away, and so it's ok that we don't like him. His friend doesn't like the things we say and do, either, but he says it's ok... soon, we'll be together.
Father, open our hearts, Lord. How much longer will you allow hate to exist? How much longer will you allow blind people to live as though they see. Father, use me to shine Your Light into cold dark hearts, today. Shake us... open our eyes and open our hearts, Lord Jesus. Pour out your love on all that is unloving. Forgive us, Father.
I Love you.
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